Last weekend while riding the subway downtown i decided to get off about 30 blocks earlier than planned to stop in at Barnes & Noble. I get in the store and head to the top floor where their Christian section of books are. I stopped at the first section cause i saw all the Bibles and just decided to have a look. I quickly decide to continue on to the "book" section and upon turning towards it there is an old man close to me and walking my way. we both look at each other and say a brief "hi" but there was something about this man. He had this look on his face as if he were so excited to see me, as if he had something incredible to tell me. And honestly, i got scared. I quickly walked to where the Christian books were and i could see out of the corner of my eye the man walk past where i was a few times. I never looked directly at him again but i kept feeling as though he were watching me. I had to use the bathroom so i fled to the bathroom. When i came out the man was gone. There was something in this man that terrified me. I felt exposed. I felt like he knew everything about me. But he seemed happy to see me. Jesus has really used this to expose the realities of my heart. I pray for Him to visit me, to heal me, to save me...but in His presence i run, i run scared of what He will see in me. i long to cling to Him like jacob. He is my Father, and a good Father who loves furiously! why should i deny Him His lover? why should i deny myself His love? His Holy Ghost? He is so Holy! so pure! and He longs to hold me and purify me. He doesn't look at us and see filth. He sees the blood of Jesus! we have to pass thru all our brokenness. He is on the other side of that brokenness. His light shines thru my darkness and utterly overtakes it. Hold me Jesus, until i find rest in Your arms. i am I AM's beloved!
For You will light my lamp;
The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.
-psalm 18:28
